I dropped-off my husband for ‘deployment, round 2’ this morning. It was so difficult to say goodbye again so soon, but I am ready to get this deployment over and done with.
My feelings about his leaving remind me of a moment that occurred 11 years ago at a rowing practice in college. We were doing 2k tests that morning, and one of our lightweight women was not “in the zone” and dreading the 2k test. One of the assistant coaches coaxed her onto the erg with the comment, “Just get on and get it done. Start it so that it’s over with. The sooner you start, the sooner it’s over.” Our head coach lost his mind at the assistant coach for having the audacity to say that a rower should hope to get the test “over with”. I think that, in his mind, hard moments are meant to be experienced and suffered, because we come out better people. I used to agree with that thought process … maybe because I had gone through much trial-by-fire as a young adult. I experienced so many difficult moments — truly difficult moments — that defined me into the person I am today, and I like who I am.
But, there are other difficult moments — repeated, painful moments — that we experience in life, and it’s OKAY to want them to be done. It’s okay to not want a lesson from them. It’s okay to want those moments to get started so that they’re over sooner. I think that deployments are one of those “moments”.
I had a really, really deep cry this morning when my husband walked aboard, but I think that I got most of my tears out because, afterwards, I was able to move forward with my day. We only got 3 hours of sleep last night because we had to wake up *so* early in order to get him aboard on time, but it was worth it to spend an extra night together.
The most difficult part of my day was walking into our home without him, knowing that he would not come home for a long time. I sat in my car for 10 minutes, delaying the inevitable. Walking into our empty home made the deployment real.
When I finally walked in, though, I entered a well loved and lived home – it was an absolute mess, but it was full of all the things that my husband and I love. Empty red wine glasses were on our coffee table, our Uno deck was strewn across the table, our couch blanket was askew from us laying on the couch last night. Our kitchen was a mess from my husband making us breakfast every morning and from my dinner creations. There was a pile of clean laundry at least 2 ft tall in our spare bedroom that needed to be put away. Our dining room is full of random things that we didn’t take the time to put away in the last few weeks. Every bathroom drawer and cabinet was slightly ajar from my husband doing one last toiletry check this morning. But, it was worth it. We reveled in being together for the last few weeks. Life was good. And, though he’s not here, life is still good. It’s good because we have each other, regardless of physical distance.
*Apologies if any of this post doesn’t make sense or is superficial. Like I said, I’m running on 3 hours of sleep! I am fighting the urge to nap because I want to make sure that I actually sleep tonight. I am such an insomniac when my husband isn’t home, and I need to break the cycle.