Michael hasn’t left yet, but I’m already feeling the blues. I had a good cry last night, but it feels like I have a bottomless well of years – crying didn’t alleviate my blues. I suppose that this is normal, and that all spouses experience the blues at some point during a deployment, but that doesn’t make me feel better. Once again, I want to wrap myself in a cocoon of “people who understand” – other military wives and military friends. I don’t want to talk to anyone else – I don’t want to hear people say stupid comments like, “cheer up” or “you knew what you were getting into when you married him” (is there anything more callous to say?). I don’t want to hear people’s stupid suggestions for “keeping busy”. And, most if all, I want to tell others of my slightly over-dramatized fears without any judgement. As a matter of fact, I’d like to hear that others SHARE my fears and loneliness. I want to know that I’m not alone, and that the wives living on the other side of my (future) apartment walls are feeling the same as I do.
The few friends that I’ve made in the 6wks that we’ve been living here are slowly leaving. Some are rotating to a new base. Others are “going home” for the deployment. I’m sad to feel so friendless. I’m sad to be living in this awful Lodge room all alone after Michael leaves. I’m sad that I won’t have any laughter to fill these lonely walls. I’m sad that I don’t have my “stuff” yet – my crafting supplies, my workout equipment, even all of my clothes. I don’t even have a freezer to put ice cream!
I’m feeling very sad and sorry for myself. Hello, pre-deployment blues. Please don’t stay very long – you are not welcome here.